A mechanical engineer, chemical engineer, electronic engineer, and software engineer are driving in a car. The car suddenly dies. The mechanical engineer says, "I would suppose that a gear or pulley failed, causing the car to die. The chemical engineer says, "I guess that the car is out of fuel and unable to produce combustion." The electronic engineer says, "I believe the windings in the coil fails to produce enough spark." The software engineer says, "I think we should all get out and then get back in again."
A Fazylucker was getting a hand job of his new girlfriend and asked "How come you're so good at this?""Years of practice," she giggled. "Bit of a player in your day eh!?" he laughed. "No" she replied "my dad had no arms!"
A man in a London Tesco supermarket tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
' Manchester , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Manchester ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Manchester .'
'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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A mechanical engineer, chemical engineer, electronic engineer, and software engineer are driving in a car.
The car suddenly dies.
The mechanical engineer says, "I would suppose that a gear or pulley failed, causing the car to die.
The chemical engineer says, "I guess that the car is out of fuel and unable to produce combustion."
The electronic engineer says, "I believe the windings in the coil fails to produce enough spark."
The software engineer says, "I think we should all get out and then get back in again."
He said, "you should call it the Focus Ranch, because that's where the sun's rays meet."
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.
The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."
"Bloody great hiding place but I always knew they'd Findus."
(someone's gotta!)
....eww
He’s 0K now
The last one.
A man in a London Tesco supermarket tries to buy half a cauliflower.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy
says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out
there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
' Manchester , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Manchester ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Manchester .'
'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'
The birds love it.
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
He sent me a photo of me. Surrounded by empty pizza boxes and cats.
dog 1: i heard a great joke.
dog 2: oh yeah?
dog 1: knock kno–
*dog 2 goes fucking nuts*
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Hello folks long time no post, Cheers, Redneck in exile.
Tom, who the f*** is TomRedneck :!: