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Jokes
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Okay to kick off:
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked." -
LOL
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two bags of Wotsits are driving around in a car (stck with it!) and see a couple of sweet packets of cheese & onion on the other side of the street, so the turn the car around and drive up to them, lean out of the window and say 'hey do you two fancy a lift?' and the cheese & onion crisps reply...
'no thanks we're Walkers!' -
A Jamaican and his Hotel Bill
A Jamaican and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The Jamaican explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the Jamaican insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the Jamaican, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centerthat were available for the Jamaican and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the Jamaican complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. The Manager goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the Jamaican again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the Jamaican replies,"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Jamaican gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says,"this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the Jamaican. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the Jamaican replies, "she was here, and you could have." -
ha! that reminded me of this one:
A couple goes on vacation to fishing resort. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although the wife isn’t familiar with the lake, she decided to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says, “Good morning Ma’am, what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies, thinking “isn’t it obvious?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with rape,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you do have all the equipment.”
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
........................................
What with all the sadness and trauma in the world at the moment, it’s worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin.
They put his left foot in…………………. and then the trouble started
:D -
An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".
An Englishman gives him a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.
An Irishman gives him a piano, which it plays better than Elton John.
A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and the Scotsman asks, "What's wrong, can ye no play it"?
The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna screw her brains out once I get her pajamas off. -
go here:
http://www.livevideo.com/video/C5408A1A52B1401FBACD6112DC8F290C/miss-jamaica-what-she-say-.aspx
some other crapthere as well...but all made me chortle
vortexual :wink: -
why shouldn't anyone ever starve to death in a desert?
because of all the sand which is there.
*rimshot* -
websnap... that's very good. :)
bull... *pat you* you deserve this: *nod*
On the way to work, the man rear-ended a car
at some lights whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy"...
Reply: "Well, which one are you then?"
*boom-a-lacka* (rimshot with attitude)
all references to the vertically challenged are made with the deepest respect :D -
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.
:happy: -
A gentleman bought a new parrot and brought him home. He quickly regretted the purchase, as the parrot would not be quiet for more than a few seconds, always uttering foul-mouthed obscenities. No matter what the man tried, he couldn't calm the parrot down. Playing soft music, opening a window, nothing did the trick.
One night after hours of the rude parrot carrying on like he would, and no relief in sight, the man grabbed the parrot from his cage and put him in the freezer, shutting the door behind him. There was some more loud squawking, followed by silence.
Delighted that the parrot had quieted down, but nervous for the parrot's safety, the man let him out.
The parrot spoke calmly, "I do apologize if I have done or said anything that would have offended or displeased you sir. May I return to my cage now?"
The man was astonished and returned the parrot to his cage. He was just about to ask what brought about the change when the parrot continued, clearing his throat, "... May I ask, what did the chicken do?" -
What's invisible and smells of dog food?
A old aged pensioner's fart. -
^^ soooo old!! (and still so good... hehe)
Verum.. i always picture the parrot raising his eyebrows and wiggling them inquiringly (in the joke).
.....................this one works, but the candies are mostly UK-based.
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman’s Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, “Polo, I’m the one with the hole†she said. “I’m the one with the nuts,†he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn’t long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn’t keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!? -
an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these cards to fill in, in normal Commonwealth style. After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc.. he got to one that asked:
"Have you ever been imprisoned?"
After thinking about that for some time he entered: "I didn't know it was still a requirement." -
^ very funny!
-
Made me laugh out loud:
" A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2
litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
vortexual :happy: -
LOL
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made LOL! thanks for this moment!
-
lol@ vor's joke!
heh.. it reminds me of one
this is told by a man. i mention this, after sharing it online with someone, and got gender-baited. :)
he says:
I have 2 dogs and I was buying a large bag of dog food at and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. -
LOL :happy:
vortexual -
"How many designers does it take to change a light bulb?"
Answer: "Does it have to be a light bulb?" -
LMAO
-
haha lol !
-
IMPORTANT BUSINESS (once again.. told by a man. i ain't taking the time to degender-fy it)
I was in the VIP lounge en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, i noticed Bill Gates sitting on the Chesterfield enjoying a cognac.
I was meeting with a VERY important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.
Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello, Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.
Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said "Hi Chris, what's happening?"
To which I replied "Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting". -
That was great!!!
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so, a dyslexic walks into a bra
-
^ GROAN!!
two can play that game. :p
Q. Why does caviar never end well?
A. Because it's a fishes cycle. -
oh my.
-
hmmm this one's so unfunny that i lol'd. i hope it doesn't give any of you the vapours. :)
A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired. -
did you here about the dyslexic alcoholic?
Choked on his own vimto -
LOL!squapple:Choked on his own vimto
@ mick: that's really so unfunny, prolly written by a guy.
but true... -
squapple:did you here about the dyslexic alcoholic?
Choked on his own vimto
LOVE IT!
vortexual -
*searches* "define: vimto"
ah
lol!! -
Sorry Mick. I thought it was a global dnirk :wink:
-
np, squapz. it was easy to figure out. :)
back to small (different) bad jokes.
Q: What do you get if you cross a robot
with a pirate?
A: Arrrrrrgh 2D2. -
Rene Descatres walks into a bar. Bartender asks him if he wants the regular. Descartes replies "I think not". Poof.... he disappeared.
-
How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.
~duh duh... tshhhhhh.....
A horse enters a bar and walks over to the bartender, the bartender looks at the horse and says, hey buddy, why the long face?
~duh duh... tshhhhhh.....
Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?
He also sold his soul to Santa
~duh duh... tshhhhhh.....
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
~duh duh... tshhhhhh.....
A penguin walked into a bar and asked if anyone had seen his uncle. The bartender asked "What does he look like?"
~duh duh... tshhhhhh.....
The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He's shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. The doctor's cries, "Oh my god, how did that happen?"
The frog answered "I don't know; it began as a pimple on my butt."
~duh duh... tshhhhhh..... -
LOL and lol and some loling !
Mick, Why are pirates pirates?
Coz they arrrrrrgh !
A man walks into a bar
And says "ouch"
~quickly leaves the bad joke area -
You made my friday! LOL!
(I loved the "dyslexic (...) He also sold his soul to Santa.") -
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
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Suck its cock! :D -
LOL !
sicko -
o! meska! o!
i got a snort out chicken's bloc of bad jokes. :)veryfunnybones:Rene Descatres walks into a bar. Bartender asks him if he wants the regular. Descartes replies "I think not". Poof.... he disappeared.
^THAT one, i'm gonna tell. ohyes. -
this is for vfb.
Q: Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?
A: Because proper tea is theft. -
for chicken.
What’s got two legs, and bleeds a lot?
Half a dog.
for meska.
Q: What do a woman’s arsehole and a 9 volt battery have in common?
A: You know it’s wrong, but you also know that sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
aaand.. for the squapper.
Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul-singer?
A: Put it in a microwave until its bill withers.
boom tshhhhh! -
A Frenchman an Englishman and a [insert nationality to be mocked here: Belgian] are sentenced to death. They are offered three was of dying, bullet, guillotine or to be injected with the Aids virus.
The frenchman chooses the guillotine, of course, while the Englishman opts for the bullet.
But the Belgian elects to be injected with Aids.
His compatriots try to talk him out of it, but he's tells them, with a big smile on his face, not to worry.
The next morning the Belgian is brought in to be injected. He still has a big smile on his face, and starts laughing out loud when they inject him.
The Englishman, about to take the bullet, asks him why he's so happy, in face of such long and potentially painful way to go.
To which the Belgian replies:
I'm good man, I'm wearing a rubber! :happy: -
ok, i'm telling that one, too. :D
-
Q: What do a woman’s arsehole and a 9 volt battery have in common?
A: You know it’s wrong, but you also know that sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Wrong, and so right too :D -
Very appropriately dedicated funnies there, Mick! And fun for everyone :happy:
-
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
~duh duh... tshhhhhh..... <------ i choked on my coffee, but i had to read it twice. :D<br />
thanks chicken.
A tourist in need of driving directions tries to get chummy with an old Cape Codder.
Tourist; "So, have you lived here your whole life?"
Cape Codder;
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"Not yet." -
What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything. -
Man goes into a dentist and says "doctor doctor, I think I'm a moth".
Dentist replies "excuse me sir, you do realise this is a dentist?"
Man replies "yeah, but the light was on"
