Jokes

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  • edited 9:37AM
    sinar said...Hmmm... I thought these were to be funny......sounds more political than funny....let's get back to that,,,
    :awkward: well it gave me a chuckle (plus that dude on the left gave me a thumbs up so i thought it was OK). but then again i still get a kick out of simple plays on words so...
  • edited October 2008
    but the guy on the left is retard
  • edited 9:37AM
    Hey Pants...thats cool, if it makes you laugh, then it works, thats what jokes are all about....keep adding to the pile, and we'll steal the good ones.
    I guess you have to understand the idea of putting a turtle on a fence post. Must be a "small town, live in the country thing" I myself prefer the mail box baseball game!
    Works best from a ragtop.
  • edited 9:37AM
    I'll tell you what I really hate about my new Thai bride.
    She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!


    For years, men and women have argued over which is more painful: being kicked in the bollocks or giving birth.

    So how can we reach an answer? Well, put it this way: about a year after a couple's first child, a woman will say, "let's have another baby."

    But, find a man who, says to his mate one year on, , "tell you what: kick me in the bollocks again."


    Little Johnny comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He said that he played football and then he proposed to his friend Emily. His parents think this is really sweet and don't want to make fun of Little Johnny, so they ask him, "how are you both going to pay for the expenses of being married?"
    "Well, with the £5 I get each week from you and the 50p she gets from her Mum and Dad, we should be okay."
    His father says, "that's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you have a baby?"
    Little Johnny answers, "well, so far - touch wood - we've been lucky..."


    Statistically... 9 out of 10 people with a stutter hate this joke



    Last night I had dream.

    I'm now worried about being shot.


    After the Japanese grand prix:

    What have fizzy drink manufacturers and Lewis Hamilton got in common?

    They both bottle it under pressure.


    A female American reporter, in Afghanistan a few years, was dismayed to see that the women were forced to walk 10 paces behind the men. She returned five years later and was elated to see that the women were all now walking ahead of their husbands.
    She asked one woman what had brought about this remarkable change in the status of women.
    The woman replied, "Landmines".


    Time saving gardening tip:

    If you water your grass with beer, it will come up half cut!


    The Irish potato famine 1845. The potato crop failed and approximately one million people starved to death. Ireland, a small island surround by sea (the clue's in the name). For fuck's sake, did none of the stupid cunts think of going fishing?
  • edited 9:37AM
    Statiscally 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

    :nausea: (wasn't me)
  • edited October 2008
    i'm very very glad it wasn't you, idio.
  • edited 9:37AM
    A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
    gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
    immediately. She seductively signaled that he
    should bring his face closer to hers. As he did,
    she gently caressed his full beard.

    'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face
    with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.

    'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said,
    running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

    'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there
    anything I can do?'

    'Yes, I need you to give him a message,' she continued,
    running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and
    slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and
    allowing him to suck them
    gently. 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

    [hide]'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or
    paper towels in the ladies room.'[/hide]
  • edited 9:37AM
    Eew... :nausea:
  • edited 9:37AM
    What's the capital of Iceland?

    [hide]About Three Pounds Fifty...[/hide]
  • edited 9:37AM
    ha!
  • edited 9:37AM
    i'm hiding this ... *blush* don't think less of me, ok?

    [hide] this is sucker bait.i really REALLY like putting the punchlines for jokes, etc. inside the hide tags. :D it makes the lurkers sign in to see what they're missing, right? *waves at lovely lurker-meat* [/hide]
  • edited 9:37AM
    should we call u "tricky micky"?
  • edited 9:37AM
    [hide]yes, we should indeed! :wink:[/hide]
  • edited October 2008
    ohhh Pants... rbernato... i feel so exposed. :D

    [hide]mentally[/hide]
  • edited 9:37AM
    …[/hijack] [jokes]…
  • edited 9:37AM
    :D is this funny?

    [hide]
    What is yellow and looks good on
    an architect?

    A J.C.B. [/hide]


    and there's always this kind of thing.....





    At school, Little Ron yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

    The teacher replied, 'Now, Ron, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

    The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

    Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

    Little Ron, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'


    better? :p
  • edited 9:37AM
    hehehe nice one mick...
  • edited 9:37AM
    A dad took his sons, ages seven and five, to the park for a picnic. The seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother.

    “Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.”
    “Go down the slide while sitting, only.”
    “Only one child on a swing at a time.”
    (There were a good twenty rules.)

    The boys promised to obey them so Dad could go work on the picnic lunch.

    Just before it was time to eat, Dad went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall, semicircular slide, the kids were coming down head first!

    Dad took them over to the posted regulations. They read them, again. Dad asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.

    “Oh, don’t be silly, Dad … no one uses the slide rule anymore!”
  • edited 9:37AM
    ~heckles from the back :D

    Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree
    in the distance. As they get nearer they see it is draped
    with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
    "Hey Pepe", says the first man.
    "Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
    Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down
    in a hail of bullets.

    "What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath,
    his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
    Ees a ham bush."
  • edited 9:37AM
    The blind Carpenter picked up a Hammer and Saw....
  • edited 9:37AM
    Hahahaha, bacon tree. :D
  • edited 9:37AM
    A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?". She says "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick bastard."
  • edited 9:37AM
    meska!
    nice one!
  • I had a dream that I was a muffler.... when I woke up, I was exhausted.
  • edited 9:37AM
    ;)

    touque cute!
  • edited 9:37AM
    I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

    Unbelievable what some people are into.
  • edited November 2008
    4 posts up, chris. :D

    (well, uh, 5 up from mine)
  • edited 9:37AM
    a shopkeeper was upset when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read "BEST DEALS".

    he was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading "LOWEST PRICES".

    the shopkeeper panicked, then got an idea. he put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: "MAIN ENTRANCE".
  • edited 9:37AM
    damn it :D
  • edited 9:37AM
    A couple met at Hilton Head (golf resort in SC/USA) and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

    "Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a hooker."

    "I see," said Bill as he thought for a moment. "Well, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
  • edited 9:37AM
    Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
    He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.
    I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
    They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom.
    Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

    Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
    When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

    Unfortunately, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts.
  • edited 9:37AM
    An Obama yuppie Democratic Graphics designer got tired of the Big City and moved to the Bayou. After a week he was getting lonely and wondered if he had any neighbors. Just at this moment an old broke down pick up truck pulled up and out stepped blueshead..

    "Howdy neighbor, I'd like to invite you to a Party! There will be fighting,fucking and drinking.. but not necessarily in that order."

    The yuppie replied" That sounds great! Can I invite anyone?"

    Blueshead replied. "Nope.. jus gonna be you and me."
  • edited November 2008
    that sounds like 17 seconds of pure fun, yep. :p

    meska, i do like that joke.
  • edited 9:37AM
    Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous for being a little self-righteous.

    At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone. "Every time i clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

    From the front of the crowd, a voice with a broad Glaswegian accent pierced the quiet...

    "Well, fuckin' stop doin it then, ya evil bastard! "
  • edited November 2008
    Thought I'd read the cadbury before....see page one

    mick
    Aug 11th 2007



    .....................this one works, but the candies are mostly UK-based.


    Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman’s Friend.

    On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

    He asked her name, Polo, m the one with the hole she said. I'm the one with the nuts, he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

    Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

    3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!?
  • edited November 2008
    Lesson 1:

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
    Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
    'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
    'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

    Moral of the story:
    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    Lesson 2:

    A priest offered a Nun a lift.
    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
    The priest nearly had an accident.
    After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
    and went on her way.
    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

    Lesson 3:

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
    They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
    'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in theBahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
    Puff! She's gone.
    'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
    Puff! He's gone.
    'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
    lunch.'

    Moral of the story:
    Always let your boss have the first say.

    Lesson 4

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
    The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story:
    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

    Lesson 5

    A turkey was chatting with a bull.
    'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
    'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

    Moral of the story:
    Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

    Lesson 6

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
    The dung was actually thawing him out!
    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


    Morals of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
    friend.

    (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
    your mouth shut!


    THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE :happy:
  • edited 9:37AM
    sinar, i knew i liked that joke. heh

    GffMaC, you've just made me competitive in the world of middle management. lol


    ................

    Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, [hide]"You man the guns, I'll drive."[/hide]
  • edited 9:37AM
    Har har, mick. Very punny. :p

    :D
  • edited 9:37AM
    thankyouverymuch <---note elvis lipcurl. ;)
  • edited 9:37AM
    Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try some bear hunting. He traveled up to the far north , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

    Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

    The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'

    After considering his situation briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

    So the black bear had his way with Frank. And even though he felt very sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
    He headed out on another trip up north where he found the same black bear and shot it dead.

    Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

    The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. You killed a cousin of mine and now you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.'

    Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
    Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

    This time Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back up north and managed to track down the very same grizzly bear and shot it- dead.

    He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was yet another tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

    The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
  • edited 9:37AM
    ~chuckles at mick~ oh that sounds so much like northern Idaho...will have to spread that one around here
  • edited 9:37AM
    bloody hell that murder mystery weekend in Mumbai went a bit far



    greg
  • edited 9:37AM
    Guy walked into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his zipper
    barman said - hey mate you got a steering wheel hanging out of your zipper

    Guy said - yep I know its driving me nuts

    greg
  • edited 9:37AM
    my young daughter said she really wanted a pair of Nike trainers
    I said you are 7 go and make some


    greg
  • greg said...bloody hell that murder mystery weekend in Mumbai went a bit far



    greg
    Too soon?

    GffMaC, made me chuckle several times. Where'd you find it?
  • edited 9:37AM
    Idiosyncratic said...
    greg said...bloody hell that murder mystery weekend in Mumbai went a bit far



    greg
    Too soon?

    GffMaC, made me chuckle several times. Where'd you find it?
    Got it in my email, probably been around the globe a few times... :tongue:
  • edited 9:37AM
    souse

    A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees “I don’t want to know.” said the boy bursting into tears. “Promise you won't tell me!”

    Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed. “When I was six I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At Seven I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa Claus’ speech. Now, if you tell me that grown ups don’t really get laid, I have nothing to live for.
  • edited 9:37AM
    ha ha
  • edited 9:37AM
    a drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand. he is stumbling back and forth.

    a cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "can I help you, sir?"

    "yessh! sssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

    the officer asks, "where was your car the last time you saw it?"

    "it wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

    about that time the cop looks down and sees the man's penis hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

    he asks the man, "sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

    momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out...[hide] "holy shit! my girlfriend's gone, too!![/hide]
  • the police observe a man driving erratically and pull him over.

    police: "sir, i'm afraid were going to have to take a blood test."

    driver: "but, you can't i'm a hemophiliac"

    police: "ok sir, then it'll have to be a breathalyzer test"

    driver: "but, you can't, i have terrible asthma"

    police: "alright sir, then please step out of the car and walk this white line for us"

    driver: "but i can't"

    police: "why not sir?"

    [hide]I'm far too drunk[/hide]
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