lost & found, maybe
I'm no great communicator, nor prone to posting anything of personal depth or importance - or much of anything at all, really. I'm not entirely sure why now - possibly just to see it in words.
The day before (US) Thanksgiving my mother died. A long quiet struggle with Alzheimer's, dementia, and finally an 87 year old body giving out. Just a few days shy of 87 actually, this past Thursday was (well, still is I suppose) her birthday. In the following days we waked and buried her; all 24 blood relations of three generations and their respective spouses in the same place for the first, and possibly last, time. It was definitely the first time in over 25 years all seven of her children were together in the same place, never mind the ten grandchildren, and she missed her seventh great-grandchild by only a couple days out of hospital. Not that she would have known who/what that was exactly, but a powerful thought for the rest of us certainly.
We're not all close, obviously. But we managed, with the shared purpose, and there were several new beginnings in relationships between a few of us. All of us looking to process the change and find a new normal. Eventually. Maybe.
Without a lot of backstory, mom and dad were divorced just as I was entering my teens, 40 years ago. It was not amicable, there were serious issues. Dad was not at the wake or funeral for his own personal reasons, mostly to do with his own mother's death a long time ago. But through the one or two of my siblings that are in contact with him, word went out that he would be willing, had an interest even, in seeing and talking with me. Again, we're not close. Dad and I had not spoken in 23 years; hadn't been in the same place in closer to 30 - maybe 31.
I don't have the language to describe it accurately, words really aren't my best medium. But there was surprising ease, comfort, honesty. I both said, and heard, things that it had never occurred to me that I would. We laughed together, too, understood each other's jokes, found we had a remarkable amount of things in common in spite of the lack of contact in our lives. Well, remarkable to me, I have no idea what he really thought of it, though he seemed at times shaken with surprise himself, and occasionally pleased. He'll be 90 on January 20th; sharp, coherent, capable, still working in his yard, firmly connected to the world. (He even said he "googled" my phone number when it showed up in caller ID; he knows no one who lives in Somerville. When I said he now did, he said ..."vaguely", smirking...). He did not suddenly become a fine person in my mind. Very importantly, however, he is much more solidly human, and I am thinking I am too, in a way, and the timing was pretty good to be in the same place again. We'll be visiting with each other again, at least it's possible, for as long as we're both still around. I think.
I don't know what the effects of these things are going to be. I do feel different than I did a month ago, without really being able to point to any specific thing and say "this has changed and here's how". The mental constructions/images I had of my family in general, myself and my life, my father, are all subtly but fundamentally different. I don't mean to say I'll get all warm & fuzzy with the pain in the ass co-worker, or that my Christmas card list has grown exponentially (or that I even have one). There is a lot of internal energy moving. I'm very curious as to what's going to be done with it and the shapes it will take.
The day before (US) Thanksgiving my mother died. A long quiet struggle with Alzheimer's, dementia, and finally an 87 year old body giving out. Just a few days shy of 87 actually, this past Thursday was (well, still is I suppose) her birthday. In the following days we waked and buried her; all 24 blood relations of three generations and their respective spouses in the same place for the first, and possibly last, time. It was definitely the first time in over 25 years all seven of her children were together in the same place, never mind the ten grandchildren, and she missed her seventh great-grandchild by only a couple days out of hospital. Not that she would have known who/what that was exactly, but a powerful thought for the rest of us certainly.
We're not all close, obviously. But we managed, with the shared purpose, and there were several new beginnings in relationships between a few of us. All of us looking to process the change and find a new normal. Eventually. Maybe.
Without a lot of backstory, mom and dad were divorced just as I was entering my teens, 40 years ago. It was not amicable, there were serious issues. Dad was not at the wake or funeral for his own personal reasons, mostly to do with his own mother's death a long time ago. But through the one or two of my siblings that are in contact with him, word went out that he would be willing, had an interest even, in seeing and talking with me. Again, we're not close. Dad and I had not spoken in 23 years; hadn't been in the same place in closer to 30 - maybe 31.
I don't have the language to describe it accurately, words really aren't my best medium. But there was surprising ease, comfort, honesty. I both said, and heard, things that it had never occurred to me that I would. We laughed together, too, understood each other's jokes, found we had a remarkable amount of things in common in spite of the lack of contact in our lives. Well, remarkable to me, I have no idea what he really thought of it, though he seemed at times shaken with surprise himself, and occasionally pleased. He'll be 90 on January 20th; sharp, coherent, capable, still working in his yard, firmly connected to the world. (He even said he "googled" my phone number when it showed up in caller ID; he knows no one who lives in Somerville. When I said he now did, he said ..."vaguely", smirking...). He did not suddenly become a fine person in my mind. Very importantly, however, he is much more solidly human, and I am thinking I am too, in a way, and the timing was pretty good to be in the same place again. We'll be visiting with each other again, at least it's possible, for as long as we're both still around. I think.
I don't know what the effects of these things are going to be. I do feel different than I did a month ago, without really being able to point to any specific thing and say "this has changed and here's how". The mental constructions/images I had of my family in general, myself and my life, my father, are all subtly but fundamentally different. I don't mean to say I'll get all warm & fuzzy with the pain in the ass co-worker, or that my Christmas card list has grown exponentially (or that I even have one). There is a lot of internal energy moving. I'm very curious as to what's going to be done with it and the shapes it will take.
Comments
Sorry to hear about your mother, bull
Take care, dude
May your many memories of your mum help to sustain you at this most difficult time.
This might appear maybe odd for some but thank you for sharing your honest, heartfelt message. I say thank you because we as humans need more insights, lessons into what makes us as humans so unique.
You Bull are without doubt a truly lovely person. And I feel your dad is really a nice guy too.
Being estranged from each other for so long...I'm just so seriously happy to learn that you both found your own way, your own strength and your own "love" to take that step and meet and it seems you both hit the ground running. Kudos!
A new awakening. Remember this new chapter is new ...for both of you. You and your dad have been blessed with more time for each other.
Priceless.
Am sure you both realise this.
Big love for you and your dad x
This family stuff can be tough too but like chris and B', hope it pans out okay for you…
Take care