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  • A young man was watching Tv and suddenly there was a knock on the door. He went to go answer and there was a young woman standing there.
    She asked him what kind of bread he ate, he replied he was partial to soft white.
    She carried on to describe the benefits of brown bread. The numerous grains included, and the good effects it had on your body. He was curious and asked if she had any samples. She pulled out a cool bag and handed him a slice of brown bread smothered in butter.
    He took one bite and was amazed at how nice it tasted. He thanked the woman for the bread and she left.


    [hide] She was a Hovis witness. [/hide]
  • must be only known to Brits
  • some canadjuns know about Hovis, too. i met some visitors who actually called "mixed" white-brown bread with wheat germ.. a "hovis loaf".

    good 'un, idio.

    poor left out USians..
  • Woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
    On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

    'About 32,' is the reply.'

    'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

    The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

    Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

    The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

    Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

    He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

    Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how you could tell?'

    The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

    'I promise I won't', she says.

    'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

    vortexual
  • you signed your name again?!

    Good joke btw.
  • tallsam.... `'vortexual." What don't you understand?

    vortexual :wink:
  • Vortexual, love it. ^_^
  • vortexual said...tallsam.... `'vortexual." What don't you understand?

    vortexual :wink:


    I don't understand why you sign your name when its above your post. I'm not having a go I just find it a little odd. To be fair though I sign off on texts and emails.

    tallsam
  • maybe it's in memory of the days of signature pics and pithy quotes...oh, and user titles...heh...
  • lol tallsam

    nicko
    __________________________________________________


    MAKIN BABIES SINCE 1986
  • nicko said...lol tallsam

    nicko
    __________________________________________________


    MAKIN BABIES SINCE 1986


    class.
  • While i'm here i'd just like to point peoples to > http://sickipedia.org/

    WARNING: Insensitive, non politically correct jokes

    What fun! :D
  • Little johnny spent the night at granny's house and accidentally walked in on her in the shower.
    The next day johnny came home and ran to his father shouting,
    "daddy daddy! Granny's got a little prawn between her legs".
    "Johnny", replied his dad. "Thats not a prawn, thats granny's clitoris!"
    "What?" replied Johnny. "Well it sure tastes like prawn."

    His dad was not amused.
  • nicko, i LUV your sig! the pantyliner is just like icing on the cake. :)
  • :happy:
  • John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

    His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

    One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

    It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

    It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,

    Their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

    Tommy was over 2 hours late.

    "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

    "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

    The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

    "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

    "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

    "What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

    "The Ten Commandments." a nswered Tommy.

    The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

    With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

    "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

    The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

    Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

    You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

    With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
  • What has twelve legs, one eye and stinks of fish?
    [hide] Three blind mice and half a haddock.[/hide]
  • Karl Marx goes to visit his friend Friedrich Engels, they have tea and cake, and Marx excuses himself to use the bathroom. As he flushes the toilet, he hears the unmistakable sound of a string quartet. He shrugs and goes back to Engels.
    Over the next few weeks, Marx continues to visit Engels and use his bathroom, and every time he flushes, there's the sound of a string quartet.
    Finally he confronts Engels: "Look Friedrich, every time I flush your toilet, I hear a string quartet, what's that all about?"
    [hide]"Oh that," says Engels, "That's the violins inherent in the cistern."[/hide]
  • What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

    [hide]Hot cross bunnies.[/hide]
  • If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

    [hide]K9P[/hide]
  • LOL! I liked that chem one :)
  • you have something against violins? :P
  • i admit that this is a very bad joke:


    Three men - a Mexican farmer, a Texas farmer and a Canadian farmer, are all working together one day.

    They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

    "I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.


    The Texan said, "I want a wall around Texas so that no Mexicans or Canadians can come and try to share our precious land.

    POOF! With a blink of the Genie"s eye, there was a huge wall around those Texas



    The Mexican says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Mexico."
    .
    POOF! With a blink of the Genie"s eye, the land in Mexico was forever fertile for farming.



    The Canadian says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

    The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."


    The Canadian sits down, smiles, and says: [hide]"Fill it with water". [/hide]
  • What's brown and sticky?


    [hide]a stick[/hide]
  • hehehehehehehe mondo!
  • mick said...What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

    [hide]Hot cross bunnies.[/hide]


    hehehehhehe mick
  • 3rd grade classroom.

    Teacher asks the students to tell of their father's occupation.

    They respond with the usual policeman, fireman, doctor, accountant and so on.

    Little Johnnie says "my dad dances naked in a gay bar, and sometimes takes customers in the back room for extra special favors he gets additional income from".

    The teacher is overwhelmed by li'l Johnnies reply and starts the rest of the class on another project. She pulls little Johnnie aside and says "Johnnie is that true ?"

    Li'l Johnnie says " Nah, he is really a Boston Red Sox player, but I am too embarrassed to tell the truth "


    :p
  • we sat around last night telling musician jokes... i wrote down the ones i hadn't heard before. :)


    What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
    A tattoo.

    What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
    “The Defendant”

    What do clarinetists use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
    Saliva.

    What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
    You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

    What’s the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
    A large pizza can feed a family of four.

    What’s the difference between a pop singer and a pit bull?
    Lipstick.

    How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    None, but it’s the only thing they won’t screw.

    What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
    A music critic.

    What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
    You know it’s coming and there’s nothing you can do about it.

    There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who’s driving?
    The policeman

    Why are xylophones like elderly parents?
    Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

    What’s the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
    You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
  • LMFAO @ those mick!!! :D
  • :D

    anyone like geeky math jokes?

    One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence off the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.

    The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.

    The physicist pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.

    The mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said “I declare myself to be on the outside.”
  • A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

    The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

    The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

    The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

    The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

    After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

    The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
  • The Day of Judgement has arrived. Major disasters everywhere: flood, fire, disease.
    St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very basic questions.
    Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too tired to continue.

    "Pete, take a break and I'll do this for a while".
    So Jesus takes over and asks each potential resident their name, occupation, and number of children, where applicable.

    After a time, an old, feeble man appears before him.
    "Your name sir?" asks Jesus
    "I don't know" replies the man.
    "Occupation?"
    Again the old man replies that he doesn't recall.
    "Number of children?"
    "No clue" says the man.

    Somewhat exasperated, Jesus starts anew. "Your name really isn't that important. However, your occupation is. Please concentrate sir; what did you do for a living, how did you gain your livelihood?"
    The old man, lost in thought, slowly starts to piece it together.
    "Well," he says "I can recall working with my hands a lot. In fact, looking at the splinters in my palms, I'd have to say that I was a carpenter."
    "Excellent and honorable occupation sir. Well done! Now for the next step: How many, if any, children did you have?"
    Once again the old man furrows his brow and tries desperately to remember.
    After a long while he says "I'm almost sure I had one child and since I can't remember any dresses or dolls, I'm sure the child was a boy.
    And one more thing, this boy of mine was ostracized because he had holes in his hands, his feet, and his sides".

    Finally piecing the story together, Jesus jumps to his feet, the ultimate realization of who he has encountered striking him like a bolt of lightning.

    With tears in his eyes, he yells "Father!!"
    The old man, equally moved, rises and screams "Pinocchio!!"
  • o! the second one... *floored* *rolling* :D
  • A man walks into the doctors with a strawberry in his ass. Doctor says "I've got some cream for that..."
  • ohhhh now i want strawberries. they're not ripe yet. darn your hide!


    An norther bloke was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

    “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”

    When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly sixty pounds!

    “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

    The man nodded. “I’ll tell you though, by gawd, I thought I was going to drop dead on that third day.”

    “From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

    “No, from the feckin’ skippin’.”
  • :happy:
  • A fellow walked into the local dole office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent! We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

    This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.

    A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."



    The man, just plain wide-eyed, said, " You’re bullshittin’ me!"

    The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . You started it."
  • > > Flat Belly
    > >
    > > A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his
    > > mom on top of his dad ~bouncing up and down. the mom sees
    > > her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son
    > > has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him The son
    > > sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad
    > > doing?' The mother replies, 'Well, you know your
    > > dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of
    > > it and help flatten it.'> > >>> >
    > > >>'Your wasting your time,' said the boy
    > >
    > > 'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled 'Well
    > > when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets
    > > on her knees and blows it right back up.
    > >

    vortexual :smile:
  • A solicitor (lawyer) arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on...
    and on.......
    and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. His client, Mr.Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,

    'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
  • tee-hee...naw... hehehehehehehe!:happy:
  • Royal Wedding Night

    Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.

    That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"

    Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!"

    "Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

    Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"

    In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"

    Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!"

    To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
  • Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
    [hide]He was out standing in his field.
    [/hide]
  • lol @ the Charles and Camilla joke.
  • A man doing market research on Vaseline™ knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

    He said, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline™. Have you ever used the product?”

    She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

    “And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”

    “We use it for sex.”

    The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, “Usually, people lie to me and say that they use it on child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

    The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob, and it keeps the kids out.
  • from the lame fwd's my brother sends me, comes this gem:


    Why men don't write advice columns

    This is a genuine letter submitted to a Newspaper Advice Columnist:

    Dear Walter:
    I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
    I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
    Can you please help?
    Sincerely,
    Mrs. Sheila Usk



    Dear Sheila:
    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
    I hope this helps.
    Wal ter
  • tell him that 1999 called and wants its joke back. :D
  • mick said...tell him that 1999 called and wants its joke back. :D
    or even page 5 ;)
  • It was funnier the second time around, it's all in the way he tells them :)