Howdy, Stranger!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Powered by a Bootstrap'd Vanilla.
  • a woman goes to a high class bar in a tall building in new york. she's by herself so she walks around trying to find some people to chill out with.

    not getting anywhere, she notices a man drinking by himself. she walks over to him and says "so what are you drinking?".

    the man looks at her mysteriously and says "magic beer".

    the woman is like "whatever", and walks away.

    after another 15 minutes of no social success, she comes back to the man, "magic beer, huh?"

    "yep".

    "what's so magic about it?"

    the man says "watch this" as he gets up and walks over to the window and opens it. he jumps out, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in.

    the woman, astounded, is freakin' out "i want some of that!". so she goes over to the bartender and says "give me a pint of what he's having!" pointing to the mysterious man.

    so she brings her drink back to the man and he says "better drink that and another one, since it's your first time." so she does, of course. then she walks over to the window, looks back at the man for good luck, he nods with assurance, and she jumps out...falling 25 stories to her death.

    the man gets up from his table, goes to the bar for another drink, and the bartender says "damn superman, you're a asshole when you're drunk."
  • how do you make a bear cross?

    [hide]nail two together.[/hide]
  • From my 7 year old daughter:

    What's green and sings?



    [hide]Elvis Parsley[/hide]
  • How do you make a dead dog float?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Dead dog, ice cream and cola.
  • Sprite... all over my keyboard... thanks...
  • One day, Boudreaux and Clotile were riding their boat at Bayou Benoit when they hit a sunken log and the boat overturned. Clotile didn't have a life jacket on, and she drowned. The sheriff and a bunch of neighbors came by to try to find her, but they didn't have any luck. A week passed and Thibodeaux knocked on Boudreaux's front door.
    "Boudreaux, I have some good news and some bad news for you."

    "Give me the bad news first."

    "Well, the bad news is that we found Clotile. She drowned. We so sorry for you."

    "Well go on, what is the good news?"

    "The good new is--when we pull her up, we fill two sacks of big blue point crab."

    "Mais, where you put her body?"

    "Well, Boudreaux. De first time we did so good with the crabs, we decided to leave her in the water one more day."
  • i like some of those ^ nicko. :)


    i've told this one before.. i'm sure of it.. but i can't find it via search.. so...


    A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, “Grandpa, please make a frog noise.”

    The Grandpa says, “No.”

    The little boy goes on, “Please . please make a frog noise.”

    The Grandpa says, “No, now go play.”

    The little boy then says to his sister, “Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise.”

    So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, “Please make a frog noise.”

    The Grandpa says, “I just told your brother no and I’m telling you no.”

    The little girl says, “Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise.”

    The Grandpa says, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”

    The little girl replied, “Because mommy said when you croak we can go to DisneyWorld!”
  • HA HA! :happy:
  • I read a great book in outer-space the other day. I couldn't put it down.
  • I've not read all the jokes in this thread so apologies if this one has been up before but its my favourite:

    Why do women wear make up and perfume?





    [hide]

    Cos they're ugly and they smell.

    :happy:[/hide]
  • tallsam said...I've not read all the jokes in this thread so apologies if this one has been up before but its my favourite:

    Why do women wear make up and perfume?





    [hide]

    Cos they're ugly and they smell.

    :happy:[/hide]


    really? It's your favorite? Hmmm. It isn't VERy clever.
    :smile:
  • thats why its my fav
  • we all have nostalgia for the big joke that made us really rofl for the first time. :D at about age 8. heh

    ..................
    One day mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

    I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

    Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

    Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.

    After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

    My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’

    My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

    Then she says, ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place that she can reach to get water is the toilet?’
  • After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

    Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous.

    “You have no arms!”

    “No matter,” said the man. “Observe!” And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

    The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

    The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

    “Bishop, who was this man?”

    “I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”
  • heh

    i love "shaggy dog" - type jokes, joapet.
  • Ok, try to retell this, stumbled upon it but can't refind the page. :awkward:

    An elderly lady enters the bank of England. She carry's £12 million in a purse and approaches the teller.
    "I would like to open an account here. I have £12 million. But first I would like to meet the Bank manager.
    The teller considers this, and seeing as it such a large amount of money finds it a reasonable request. He arranges an appointment and takes the lady up to see the manager.
    "Hello mam, I've been informed you would like to open an account."
    "Yes sir, I have £12 million I would like to deposit."
    The bank manager's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the little old lady where she got sucyh a large amount of money.
    "Inheritance?"
    "No."
    "Life savings?"
    "No."
    "What then?"
    "I bet."
    "Horse and dogs and such?"
    "No people."
    "Ok, what do you bet?"
    "Ok, I'll make a bet with you. I bet you £10,000 that by 10am tomorrow morning you're balls will be square."
    The bank manager considers this and seeing as he feels relatively normal and can't see anything changing in that time agrees. So they agree to meet again tomorrow at 10am.
    He decides to go home and have an early night to rest his balls. And in the morning in the shower checks to see that they are still round and pert. By 9:50 he is feeling rather pleased with himself for making £10,000. The lady enters with another gentleman for their appointment promptly and asks if he is feeling any different.
    "Not at all. Who is this fine gentleman with you?"
    "Oh this is my financial advisor, I thought with such a large amount of money about to change hands he should be present. Do you mind if I check for myself?"
    The bank manager finding this a reasonable request roemoves his trousers and pants. The lady cups his balls and nods sagely. The other gentleman looks astonished.
    "I hope you don't mind me saying, but you don;t seem too bothered by losing a £10,000 bet?"
    "Oh no, I don't. You see I bet this gentleman that by 10am this morning I would have the manager of the Bank of England by the balls."


    [hide]It's ok, I'm not going into stand up[/hide]
  • i like that woman!!

    :D


    nurse joke:

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

    A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

    ‘Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir, I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’

    He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?’

    Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!’

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……

    [hide]A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k’?[/hide]
  • HA HA!
  • i don't usually like blonde jokes; i tried to tell this one with the blonde being a male; it just didn't work.




    A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

    We all looked at each other and another customer asked,“What is a seven-hundred-ten?” She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.”

    She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked

    “is there a 710 on this car?”

    She pointed and said, “Of course, it s right there.”

    [hide]710[/hide]
  • A group of scientists is walking through the jungle on a research mission. One day they come across a clearing in the jungle and they're shocked to see a group of natives fucking a herd of rhinos. The scientist are severely grossed out and quickly flee the scene. A few days later they encounter another clearing, again with a group of natives, each one fucking a rhino. And for the next few days they repeatedly come upon this weird scene.

    After overcoming their initial disgust the scientists start to become slightly curious about these occurrences. After all, they're scientists, and since everyone in the jungle seems to be enjoying this act, they finally decide that they should have a go for themselves. Of course, all in the name of science!

    So they wander on, on the constant lookout for rhinos, but whenever they encounter a group, there's already a native standing behind every single one of them, having his way. The search drags on for days, until finally they come onto an opening in the jungle and standing in the middle, there's a small group of rhinos, no natives to be seen.

    The scientist decide on which one gets which rhino, and everyone slowly approaches his "study object". At first they feel rather uncomfortable, but slowly get into the mood and eventually, all the scientist are fully engaged in passionate rhino-lovemaking.

    Suddenly, the scientists realize that dozens of natives are standing around the clearance, pointing at them, laughing their asses off. Seriously embarrassed, they stop and quickly pull up their pants. After finding his composure the lead scientist walks up to what seems to be the chief of the jungle tribe and asks him, "Why are you laughing at us, you all seem to be fucking rhinos too?"

    Says the chief:

    [hide]

    "Yeah, but not the ugly ones!"[/hide]
  • A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

    The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'
  • word play can be funny, but that joke's pretty racist, dek. :awkward:

    i'm betting you didn't mean it that way.


    Q: What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your underpants?
    A: Your mother.


    ^ momist AND racist (assuming everyone's mum is pink)

    x
  • mick,

    I'm generally thoughtful not to write or spread racist content in any form. I'm not entirely sure what you're referring to though, the stereotype of huge privates or the name 'Brown'? I agree stereotypes can fuel racist thoughts and shouldn't be used lightly. I think this case is borderline. Obviously the wordplay is the funny part, but at no moment did I ever consider the name 'Brown' a comment on the persons skin tone. It's just a name, as in Warrick Brown, the character from CSI. To be honest, the 'turn around' joke was a copy-paste from some random website I stumbled across. The rhino joke are my words though, from how I remember that joke being told to me.

    All being said, I shouldn't try to defend myself. I do apologize in case someone has taken offence by the joke I posted.

    Any more comments on this?
  • It's an oldie, but I still get a chuckle from it...
  • I don't think its racist really. To be fair I didn't think it was a good joke.
  • A guy is totally out of breath and sweating loads as he just finishes making love to his new Thai wife.
    For a while they just lay there totally content.
    Then the wife starts rubbing the guys cock. Flips it over,plays with it like a tassel, tugs at it like a rubber band and strokes it really delicately and lovingly for ages.
    "Wow" the guy exclaims "you must really love my cock!"
    His wife turns to him and says "not really, it's just that I miss mine!"

    :happy:
  • dek, my apology. i should have spoke about my concern privately. i didn't know i'd get waylaid by life and not get back here right away. :) i'd never in a million years think you were racist. i do feel the joke is racist and a bit homophobic. it relies on the stereotype of the oversexed, enormous black man who can't or doesn't control their sexual or violent tendencies. it's a clone of the old "woman in the elevator with scary black men".

    http://www.snopes.com/racial/mistaken/hitfloor.asp

    i'll re-word to say that i find it racist. ymmv. i've no problem with racial humour ... set and setting are important. if the joke is funny, it will be funny without a mention of skin colour. without the skin colour, all you've got left is little paranoid guy worries about huge guy who starts blabbing about his junk. so.. mild homophobia. eh...

    i'd no mean to ding you, i just reacted.

    i tell jokes that use stereotypes all the time. "an irishman, and a kiwi and a newfie walked into a bar" ... you, know. :)


    all that blather, and i'm about to post a joke that defies my own dislike that a very nice, serviceable word has been turned into an insult.

    ..............................




    A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

    Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious.'

    'Well done, Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?

    Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, 'My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.'

    'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

    Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.'




    ... it's the damn irish again.. i tell ya. *nod*

    :)


    vor.. i like that joke. yes i do.
  • A guy with a giant orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get that giant orange head?"

    The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern.

    A genie came out and said, ' I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire... what is your first wish?' I said, ' I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!, and there it was, all the money I could ever spend.

    Then he said, ' what is your second wish?' I said, ' I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!, and there she was, a gorgeous woman who immediately loved me.

    "Then the genie said, 'and what is your third wish?'... and I think this is where I went wrong... I said, I would like a giant orange head."

    [hide]this is likely not funny to most people, apologies in advance (well, after you've already read it and expected a punchline in here, or something)[/hide]
  • how many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a light bulb?

    [hide]LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!!!!![/hide]
  • ha!

    :D like i said.. ... the irish.




    Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A. Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.
  • <3 "how many" jokes. ;)
  • Chris' genie joke reminded me of one; just about the only joke I can remember.

    A man goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a lugubrious fellow with a bag who appears to be working his way through most of the stock of whiskey. After ordering a drink, he is startled to see his companion reach into the bag and pull out a foot-high man with a miniature grand piano, placing the pair on the bar.

    "Go on, little man, play us a song," the mournful bloke says, and sure enough the tiny maestro starts in on a wistful, haunting theme.

    "That's...that's just...where did you get that tiny little man?!" the first man splutters.

    The sad chap fixes him with a slightly bleary gaze.

    "Ah...well may you ask, my friend. Actually I got him from a genie in the laneway out the back of this bar; he only grants the one wish, but..." he finds himself addressing an empty spinning bar stool, as the first man can barely get out there quickly enough.

    In the laneway, he finds the man at the bar to be as good as his word. A genie is there: "Right, 's'pose you'll be wanting a wish, then..? Come on, let's 'ave it." (for some reason he is a Cockney genie).

    In his excitement, our man goes with the first thing that comes into his head; a default wish, but not a bad effort: "Yes, I'll have a million bucks, thanks, thanks, yeah that'd be great."

    Vooomp! Suddenly the narrow laneway is a riot of beating wings, flying feathers and the most cacophonous quacking sound our protagonist has ever heard. It's all he can do to beat a retreat to the back door of the bar and protect his face from the webbed feet of his assailants.

    Slowly he limps back and takes his place beside the miserable fellow, brushing bits of down and droppings off himself.

    "I...I don't understand," he says,"I asked for a million dollars, and it's wall-to-wall ducks out there...I don't know what happened..."

    His companion is staring at the tiny man playing on the bar with a faraway look in his eyes.

    "You don't really think," he says witheringly, "I'd ask for a twelve-inch pianist, do you?"
  • HA! hehehehehehehehe! Nothing like *smart* jokes(cute too)

    This one employs two of my favorite words to say:LU-GUUUUBRIOUS...and CACOPH-ONOUS! My other favs to roll off the tongue are ENNUI ...and EXACERBATE!
  • dek said...A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

    The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'



    actually ...this one would do alright ...would be just fine...still stand up...without the white/black in it...



    I'm just saying...
  • chris said...A guy with a giant orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get that giant orange head?"

    The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern.

    A genie came out and said, ' I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire... what is your first wish?' I said, ' I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!, and there it was, all the money I could ever spend.

    Then he said, ' what is your second wish?' I said, ' I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!, and there she was, a gorgeous woman who immediately loved me.

    "Then the genie said, 'and what is your third wish?'... and I think this is where I went wrong... I said, I would like a giant orange head."

    [hide]this is likely not funny to most people, apologies in advance (well, after you've already read it and expected a punchline in here, or something)[/hide]


    HA HA HA HA HA HA... brilliant. Tell it again.
  • Ve. said...

    actually ...this one would do alright ...would be just fine...still stand up...without the white/black in it...

    I'm just saying...


    On hindsight you're absolutely right. Like I mentioned earlier, I did a quick copy-paste and just didn't think about it enough.

    (I'm going to fall into a semi-exposé from here on. Mind you, english isn't my main language so there might be some choppy parts here and there, where my phrasing might lead to a misunderstanding, so please bear with me).

    I believe, that one can tell certain jokes if you can allow yourself to do so. Meaning, if you know exactly why and at whose/what cost the joke is funny, if you're aware of the context, then laughing at such jokes can be a way of dealing with certain subjects which normally would never be discussed.

    Take for example jokes about people with disabilities. Personally I don't know any disabled people, nor do I rarely come in contact with any. But whenever I see someone with an amputation or in a wheelchair, I'm honestly interest in learning more about that persons life and how they cope with it, and through this understanding more about myself and making me a better person. But it's always difficult for me to approach that person. Even looking at someone for too long might give them the impression that I'm staring "at a freak". So I don't look. Or the person might just not want to be asked about their disability, because they might be totally miserable about it. So I don't ask. This puts me under pressure because I'm totally unable to deal with this kind of situation. Then I hear a wheelchair joke, and by laughing about it, I'm not so much laughing at the disability of the person, but rather "letting out" some of the pressure that has built up over time. It's like the joke is a thing that people can laugh about together, because in everyday conversation the subject is rarely discussed at all. And it's the same with jokes about Nazis, Religion, Race, Sex, etc. All topics considered taboo which I (and possibly many others) might be unsure on how to deal with, because of the fear of acting or saying something wrong.

    I've heard a lot of jokes, anything between silly to downright vile, many of which I have laughed at. But I've always managed to pull some piece of information from the joke and put together a bigger picture, that helps me understand this world a bit more.

    On the other hand, if one has racist tendencies, and uses jokes solely to discriminate another race as much as possible, then this should absolutely not be tolerated.

    I really hope I was able to bring across my view on this and that I haven't in the course made it even worse.

    cheers,
    dek
  • if you wouldn't tell a joke in front of someone who is stereotyped in said joke, then it is probably bad.
  • unless it's a jewish joke.
  • Welsh people shag sheep... ha ha h ah aha
  • oh, i mean TSK!
  • oh, that's bettar
  • Mick that Irish joke was the best I heard in ages :happy::happy::happy:

    vortexual
  • that's special, vor. :)


    A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile,
    a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on
    a bench in a mental institution.

    "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
    "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture
    it," says the sadist.
    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and
    then kill it," shouted the murderer.
    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it
    and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it,
    have sex with it again and then burn it," said
    the pyromaniac.

    There was silence, and then the masochist
    said: "Meow."
  • :happy:
    Another good un Mick

    vortexual
  • You just signed your name?
  • ;) it's part of the performance.