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  • How do teach a paraplegic to swim?
    Weld his wheelchair to a submarine.

    Did you hear about the schizophrenic with multiple personalities who tried to kill himself?
    The police treated it as a hostage situation!
    ~DuhDuh... tshhhhhh.....

    Why don't the blind go parachuting?
    It scares the fuck out of the guide dog!
  • for vortexual...

    Q: What is more fun than swinging babies around on a clothesline?
    A: Stopping them with a shovel.

    I'm sure you could enjoy a nice dead baby joke. :nausea:
  • :happy::happy::happy:
    "dead" funny...get it?

    here's one for ya:

    A man walking through a field in Galway sees a man drinking water
    from a pool with his hand.
    He shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo" (Don't drink
    the water, it's full of cowshit.)

    The man shouts back "I'm English,
    speak English, I don't understand you".

    The Galway man replies "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

    vortexual
  • why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

    tequila
  • What did Paul McCartny say to his kids when Linda died?

    Great news kids: "steak for dinner"

    *whistles*
  • i stole vortextual's water joke.. excellent!


    another candy joke from the UK:


    A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

    After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"


    The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a softie, I always end up getting my head kicked in."


    So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of hard case I'll look after you."


    Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

    After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

    The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

    After a while they get bored and walk out.

    Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

    "I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are fucking menthol"
  • A drunk man, let's call him Paul, came out of a bar and was on his way home. He decided to drive so he got into the car and started driving home.
    A wee bit along the road he swerved to avoid a tree. He then had to swerve to avoid another, and another. He was swearing at this point about the abismal condition the roads are kept in.
    After swerving many more tress and afdter many near misses he was pulled over by a police car. The policeman got out and came to Paul's window.
    'Sir, have you been drinking? You keep swerving all over the road.'
    Paul replied 'I'm swerving to avoid all the damn trees planted in the middle of the road.'
    To which the policeman answered, 'Silly Paul, that's your air freshner.'



    Sorry. >___<
  • -The Weetabix Joke-

    Once upon a time there was a pink lady who lived in a pink house in the middle of a dark wood.

    One evening while the pink lady wa sin her pink livingroom, watching a little light pink comedy and knitting a lovely pink scarf for her little pink poodle dog, there was a knock on her pink frontdoor.
    So the little pink lady rose from her chair and went out of the pink livingroom into the pink hallway and down to the pink frontdoor.

    She opened the pink frontdoor cautiously, because being a little old pink lady living in the middle of a dark wood, she wasn't used ot getting visitors. So she cautiously opened her pink frontdoor, and their stood on her pink doorstep was a cyclsits. He looked tired and hungry.

    The cycxlist explained to the little pink lady,
    "I'm sorry for knocking on your pink door so late, but I'm afraid I've lot my way in the woods. Would it be possible to use your phone?"
    The little pink lady looked concerned,
    "I'm afraid I don;t have a phone." The cyclist's face fell, but after thinking on it for a second the pink lady continued, "But I'll tell you what, you stay here tonight then you can find your way agin in the morning. It's getting late and I wouldn't want you out here in the dark."
    The cyclist came in and thanked the little pink lady. She replied,
    "Oh, it's no trouble. Now what would you like for breakfast? I have porridge or weetabix?"
    The cyclist replied he would like weetabix please.
    The the little pink lady nodded her head and showed her guest up the pink stairs along the hallway and into the pink guestroom.

    She returned to the living room tidied away her pink knitting and let her little pink poodle out for a little pink piddle and made her way to her own little pink bedroom.

    She woke int he morning to make some weetabix for the cyclist, they ate in the pink kitchen and soon after the cyclist left, thaking the pink lady for her hospitality.

    The little pink lady went about her business, it was a Tuesday which meant she had to go in her little pink car to the nearest village to buy some stamps. She returned home and sta in her pink living room and finished her pink novel and took up her pink knitting.

    The sun was just setting when there was a knock on the door.
    "Isn't that strange" Said the little pink lady to her little pink poodle. "Two visistors in two days." She exclaimed.

    So she lifted ehrself out of her pink armchair, down the pink hallway to open the pink frontdoor. And there stood on her pink doorstep was a very frightened boyscout.
    "Oh dear." Said the little pink lady. "You better come in, stay the night and in the morning I'll make you breakfast, what would you prefer, I ahve porridge or weetabix?"
    The boyscout, looking much more reassure dnow he was inside out of the cold and the dark answered he would like porridge.
    So the little pink lady showed the boyscout up the stairs, along the pink hallway into the pink guest room.

    She went back into her pink livingroom and finished the pink scarf for her little pink poodle and listened to some opera on her little pink phonograph. Her little pink poodle let out a little yawn. And the little pink lady agreed, it was time for bed. So she let her little pink poodle out for a piddle and went to her own pink bedroom where she slept well.

    In the morning she woke and went into her pink kitchen to make the boyscout some porridge. After he had thanked the pink lady and was on his way, the little pink lady decided with all her recent visitors it was time she did some cleaning.

    First she went to the pink guestroom and changed the pink sheets, and then did the washing up in her pink kitchen with her pink gloves on and pink bubbles fiulling the pink sink. The little pink lady laughed when her little pink poodle got some pink bubble's on his pink nose and started barking at them.

    In the evning the little pink lady was taking a well earned break and was having a little nap on her comfy pink sofa in front of her pink tv in ehr pink livingroom. Her little pink poodle was snoozing on the pink heath infront of the pink fireplace.

    All of a sudden her little pink poodle awoke and started barking, for their had been a knock on the door. The little pink lady rose sleepily and lef the pink livingroom, went down the pink hallway and opened the pink forntdoor. And there stood on ehr pink doorstep was a walker.

    The walker explained he was lost and couldn't find his way out of the dark wood. The little lady invited him in and offered him breakfast for the morning, would he prefer porridge or weetabix? The walker replied he would lik weetabix.

    So the little pink lady showed the walker up the pink stairs and into the pink guestroom. She then went straight down the pink stairs, let her pink poodle out for a piddle and immediately went to her own pink bedroom where she fell fast asleep.
  • In the morning she woke and went into her pink kitchen to make the walker some weetabix. He then thanked her for the bed for the night and the breakfast and left. Thje little pink lady stood in the doorway waving the walker off and then closed the little pink door and went back to her little pink business.


    The moral of this story is: 2 out of 3 people lost in a dark wood, prefer weetabix for breakfast in the morning to porridge.
  • A panda goes into a restaurant. He orders his food and eats it quietly. After eating, he takes out a gun and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out and says, "Why did you shoot my waiter?" so the panda replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the dictionary." And he left. The manager looked looks it up and it says: Panda: A black and white mammal that lives in south east asia. It eats shoots and leaves.

    --

    A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

    The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.
  • Two men go on a camping trip in the mountains. After pitching their tent and eating some dinner, the first man excuses himself to take a pee in the bushes. Shortly thereafter the second man hears his friend screaming in agony. He runs out to find that the man has been bitten by a poisonous snake right on the end of his pecker. Not having much experience with first aid the men are at a loss as to how to deal with the situation. Although it is a long way to go they decide that the second man should try to get to the nearest town and consult a doctor.

    Hours later later the man arrives in the town but finds no doctor. Instead he borrows a phone and calls a doctor for advice. The doctor explains that he should take a razor and carefully cut an x over the area of the bite, then should place his mouth over the wound and thoroughly suck all the venom out.

    After trudging back up into the mountain and arriving at the tent exhausted he meets his anxious friend who asks what the doctor said: He replies "the doctor said your gonna die."
  • idio.. i love a good shaggy dog story. :D thanks

    dek... decent taxi joke, there. panda joke .... there's a book with that title. =P it's about evolution.


    redneck.. LOL *clipped*



    i ran across a big list of "a guy goes into a bar" variants. here's some that were new to me.

    ---------------------------------------------


    René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and he disappears.



    A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"



    A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"



    A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."



    A US Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen's hats?" And the bartender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible--the three wise men came from afar."



    A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says a man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.



    A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."




    A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."



    A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?"



    A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry." The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What have you got? "Fifty cents," is the reply.



    A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.





    the last one is, of course, my personal favorite. :D
  • Jelly baby joke was a killa :D
  • Granny was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her parlor. He took a seat while she prepared some tea. as he sat facing the old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated of all things a condom. imagine his shock and surprise! and, curiosity! Surely miss granny had flipped! but he felt he couldn't mention the strange sight in the parlor. When she returned with the tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer. "miss granny," he said while pointing to the bowl, "i wonder if you would tell me about this?" "Oh yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent diseases. and you know...I haven't had a cold all winter
  • a team of archaeologists was excavating in israel when they came upon a cave. written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a star of david. they decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. they chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. they held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. the president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "this looks like a woman. we can judge that this race was family-oriented and held women in high esteem. you can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. the next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. the last symbol appears to be the star of david which means they were evidently hebrews." the audience applauded enthusiastically and the president smiled and said, "i'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "idiots! you are all wrong about what the writings say. first of all, everyone knows that hebrew is not read from left to right, but from right to left. look again. ... it now says: "holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!"
  • what's the difference between a person falling from the 10th floor, and a person falling from the 1st floor?

    10th floor fall:
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
    BAM!


    1st floor fall:
    BAM!
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
  • What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?









































    A liquor cabinet
  • Two nuns stop at some traffic lights when the first nun sees a vampire.

    She says to the second nun "sister, show him your cross"

    The second nun winds down the window and shouts "fuck off you festering cock-wound!"
  • Nicko, that joke was so much longer when I was little, you need to build it up.
  • :awkward:
  • sinar! those are both great jokes.. i saved them.


    silent.. hmmmm .... hMMMM ok *GROAN* heh



    *pats nicko* it's ok, i know you're used to girls telling you that it's not long enough. you have other fine qualities.


    (who could resist, i ask you?!)



    London 11th September:

    A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

    At a morning press conference, PM Gordon Brown said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

    "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Brown said.
    "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values.

    They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,

    `but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country.

    As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

    When asked to comment on the arrest, ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said,

    "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."



    ;)
  • It was a little girl's first day of school and her mother was both excited and saddened to see her daughter begin this rite of passage. She sent her daughter off with a kiss goodbye and a promise of freshly baked cookies when she got home. Later that afternoon, the daughter comes running through the door excited to see her mom. The mother greets her and sits her down for some milk and cookies - a beginning of a ritual that will follow them for many days to come. The mother says, "so tell me sweetheart, what did you learn today?" "Well," says the little girl. "I learned where baby's come from." "You did," exclaims the mother with some concern. "what did your teacher tell you?" "Well, first this thing in the dad called sperm meets up with this egg that's inside the mom and that becomes an embryo. The embryo travels up through the mom's ovaries and implants on her uterus. Then the embryo becomes a fetus. The fetus grows in her womb for nine months and then she gives birth to a fully developed baby." "Wow!" the mother says. "honey, i'm impressed that you learned that so well." "Yeah, but mom, I just have one question," the little girls says innocently. "How does the sperm and the egg get together?" "does the mom eat the dad's sperm?" "oh, no, honey," explains the mom. "that's only when you want a new dress."
  • Junior, curious about some words he saw on the bathroom wall asked, "mom, what's a pussy?" mom remained calm, showed him a picture of a cat and said, "that's a pussy, son. a pussy is a kitty cat." "what's a bitch, then?" inquired the precocious little tyke. Mom got the dictionary out and said, "see, the dictionary says a bitch is a female dog." not satisfied, he asked his father what a pussy was. Pops dutifully trotted out a girlie mag from his sock drawer, drew a circle around the genital region and said, "that's a pussy right there, son. and a fine specimen it is, too." "Well, what's a bitch, then?" asked junior. "That's everything outside the circle."
  • Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "put that away, johnny. you can't have ice cream now, it's too close to supper time. go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says, "there's no one to play with." trying to placate him, she says, "ok. i'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play mommie and daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "fine, i'll play. What do i do?" Johnny says, "you go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat, as he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and says, "what do i do now?." In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
  • zomg

    a triple header! three more i haven't heard. excellent!

    you know that i collect jokes of all flavours to tell people when they're sick or injured, yes?

    every medical type should have an arsenal of humour that's not morbid in-jokes. :) thankyou all.. keep it up, i'll never be without something to distract with.

    ........................................................


    i just came across this exercise suggested for all you geeks, nerds, and lazy fuckers:

    to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders, do these at least three times a week.

    begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. with a 5-lb (2 kg) potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. try to reach a full minute, then relax.

    each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

    after a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb (4 kg) potato sacks.

    then 50-lb (20 kg) potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb (40 kg) potato sack in each hand and hold your arm straight for more than a full minute.

    after you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.


    ;)
  • This is the kind of joke I thought was hilarious, when I was young:


    The teacher had been teaching the kids in geography class that the earth rotates around it's own axis. Long after schools over, the teacher walks out to his car. Everything is deserted except for little Billy sitting on the wall.
    The teacher wonders, "What are you still doing here?"
    To which Billy replies, "Oh, I'm just waiting until my home comes by!"
  • I'm taking a video game back to the shops becuase it keeps crashing.

    It's Colin McRae's Helicopter Flight Simulator.


    too soon?
  • four expectant fathers were in a minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. the nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "what a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "i work for the minnesota twins baseball team." the nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "you, sir, are the father of triplets." "wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "i work for the 3m corporation. my buddies at work will never let me live this one down." an hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. this time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. she announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. stunned, he barely could reply. "don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. after finally regaining his composure, he said "i don't believe it, i work for the four seasons hotel." after hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. the nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. when he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again. "i should have never taken that job at 7-up" "i should have never taken that job at 7-up" "i should have never taken that job at 7-up..."


    there were these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. so they find an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven pound baby boy. they rush to the hospital for the first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying row upon row of crying infants. except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos. sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle. "gee," said one of them to the nurse, "he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn't he?" "oh, he's quiet now," said the nurse, "but he screams like all the rest when i take the pacifier out of his ass.


    there's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. the chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "what condition does he have?" the student asks. "he suffers from seminal buildup disorder," the doctor replies "if he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma". the student takes some notes on that,and they continue down the hall. as they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "what about him?" the student asks."what's his story?" "oh, it's the same condition." the doctor replies "but he has a better health plan."
  • dek, that's a sweet one.

    nicko.. maybe so, but topical and ironic as hell.


    sinar.. dear sinar... :p o!! x 3 lol


    medical jokes.. (i NEVER tell jokes about nurses giving bj's, btw... there's a rule.)


    Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my hearing.

    Dr: "What are the symptoms?"

    Patient: "They're those yellow people on TV."
  • What did the woman say to the impotent man...


    No hard feelings!
  • This is a story about little Johnny.

    Little Johnny is sitting in the back of Ms. Stanley's 3rd grade math class, when she asks the class a quesion:
    "If there are three birds on a telephone wire and you get your shotgun and shoot one of them.. How many are left?"

    Little Johnny's hand flies up, and he's saying "oh oh pick me pick me!"

    "Ok Johnny, How many birds are left?"

    Johnny says, "There are none."

    Ms. Stanley a little worried, "Well, how do you reckon that?"

    "Well, even if you got one of the birds, the other two would be scared by sound of the shotgun and fly away. So there'd be no birds on the wire."

    "That's incorrect, Johnny, but I like the way you think," the teacher says.

    As she starts her next question Johnny interrupts, "let me ask you a question."

    "Ok Johnny, go ahead."

    "There are three ladies one is married, one has a boyfriend, and the other is single. They are all standing and eating ice cream cones.. one is biting it, one is sucking it, and one is licking it. Which one is married?"

    Ms. Stanley, a little confused by the question makes a perplexed look and says, "I don't know, the one sucking it?"

    Johnny: "That's incorrect, but I like the way you think."


    rah rah rah rah rahh
  • sinar .. :p

    jzy.. little johnny is a nasty boi, isn't he? :)

    .......................


    Researchers in France dig down one thousand feet and discover wire. This stunning discovery proves that they were the first to invent the telephone.

    Not to be outdone, researchers in the UK dig down two thousand feet and discover wire. This proves that THEY were the ones to invent the phone first.

    Finally, researchers in Canada dig three thousand feet and don't discover anything. This proves that they were the first ones to invent wireless phones.
  • PUNISHING PUNS

    * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    * Police were called to the day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    * Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    * The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

    * To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

    * When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

    * The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    * A thief who stole my calendar got twelve months.

    * The thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement is now a hardened criminal.
  • mick:Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my hearing.
    Dr: "What are the symptoms?"
    Patient: "They're those yellow people on TV."
    this one made me LOL like a freak!
    fanks mick!
  • vfb is a pun-ter, cool! :) those are great.

    welcome, silent. like a freak, eh? heh.. why am i not surprised?


    ........................
    another "bar" joke.


    Heisenberg, Gödel, and Chomsky walk into a bar.
    Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?"
    Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke."
    Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."



    ..........


    The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage--about 20 minutes--during which the bass players have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid,
    some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bassists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said.

    No need to panic," said a fellow bass player. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

    A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

    Well, of course," said her companion. Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."


    ;) *bow*
  • HA! like that one...thanks mick :D
  • An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class:

    “There are two things you need to succeed in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.” Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class.

    After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

    “Second,” the professor continued, “You must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this corpse’s anus, but licked my index finger?”
  • ^
    lol, knew that one, still great!

    Now, we can't have a jokes thread without the joke that has officially been dubbed the world's funniest joke:

    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"


    with apologies to all of you that knew this one
  • I knew both, funny.

    how about this simple one, childish but I found it hilarious:

    in a school, jimmy is asked by the teacher to go to the black board.
    Next to it, there was a map of the globe.
    The teacher asked him to point to the location of Brazil...
    He points exactly the middle of Brazil, to which the teacher said: "very well Jimmy!"

    Next, the teacher turns to the class and asks: "Who discovered Brazil?"
    Little Ronnie raised his harm immediately with an urge to reply!!
    The teacher then asked him: "So, Ronald, who discovered Brazil?"

    He replied: "Jimmy did".

    ra ra...
  • Why do Irish men wear two condoms?

    To be sure, to be sure

    :awkward:
  • what do you call women who practice the rhythm method?
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    .mommy
  • I liked this one:

    While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little faster than I
    should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the other side
    with a radar gun laying in wait. He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and
    with that classic patronising gait we all know about, asked......
    "What's your hurry?"
    "I'm late for work."
    "What do you do?"
    "I'm a rectum stretcher."
    "A what?! A rectum stretcher?! And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
    "Well, I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two
    fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to
    side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the
    rectum, until it's about 6 feet."

    "And just what do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

    Traffic ticket: £95.00
    Court costs: £45.00
    Look on cop's face......Priceless
  • heh.
    Reminds me of this one:

    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
    A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."

    Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of
    him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars
    are backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
    out of his car and walks around to the truck
    driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
    "Got stuck huh?"

    The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering
    this bridge and ran out of gas."
  • He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
  • And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
  • So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
  • You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.