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  • ok dek. you are as bad as any of us. :D welcome.

    bull... groaner. totally

    for noob dek:

    A noun walks into a bar, for a beer and chips.
    Bartender gives noun a beer but says, "We're out of chips".
    Noun asks, "What happened, yesterday you had plenty?"
    Bartender says, "Verb ate 'em".

    and you.. bull groan.

    Q: What is a Yankee?
    A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
  • HA!

    good one. here in Red Sox Nation, that Yankee bit has special significance :)

    thanks mick
  • Man walks in to chip with a Mackrel under his arm. He asks the chipshop man "do you do fish cakes?"
    The Man replies "good its his bithday"

    As a man walks into a pub, he slips on a pile of huge pile of shit and smashes his head on the bar.
    He gets straight up, looks at the man stood next to him who sniggers "I did that when I walked in !"
    So he knocks him out.

    Nun in a bath getting a wash. She hears a knock at the bathroom door and shouts "who is it?"
    A voice replies "Its the blind man"
    So the nun says "ok, you may come in"
    The man enters the bathroom, sees the nun and says "nice tits, where do want me to hang the blinds"
  • A man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy.

    He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car."

    To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

    .... I'll get my coat.
  • ^ great!

    now a softer one:
    A kid was in the park with his mother, when a nice lady offered him some candy.
    The kid promptly accepted and ate it as he never had eaten a candy before in his life.
    His mother asked kindly: "what do you say to this kind lady" (waiting for a "thank you")
    To which the kid shouted:

    "Can I have another one?!"
  • The miracle of the blind carpenter..

    He picked up his hammer and saw..
  • squapz... the nun joke is new to me. *snicker*

    *hands chicken a BIG coat* :p

    silent.. awww :) precious.

    blues' ... awesome! *steal it*

    What is Pavarotti's wife getting for Christmas?

    A smaller turkey.
  • ^ mick! LOL!

    could be "a fortune" :)


    "nothing, She already got what she wished for."

    ~puts Pavarotti & friends...
  • Great *bad jokes everyone!!

    Chicken, loved the "dyslexic sold his soul to santa"!!

    What’s another name for Santa’s elves?
    Subordinate Clauses

    squapple:Man walks in to chip...

    Sry, but what is a "chip"??
  • ohhhh :) :) i like smart bad jokes. *clip that*

    (i think squapple forgot the word "shop")
  • then whats a chipshop??
  • i THINK it's like a sandwich shop where they sell sannies and chips (frenchfries).

    This guy is shipwrecked, and washes up on purple sand, surrounded by purple palm trees, in a purple lagoon.

    “Oh bugger”, he says to himself. “I’ve been marooned”.
  • mick:
    This guy is shipwrecked, and washes up on purple sand, surrounded by purple palm trees, in a purple lagoon.

    “Oh bugger”, he says to himself. “I’ve been marooned”.

    Oh yeah, GOL (guffawed out loud)
  • BA dum TISH!

    what are sannies?

    "So I says to my wife with the wooden leg, Peg I says, how do you keep your stockings up?"

    "Staples, o'course."
  • Bubba the mortician

    A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an
    expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the
    deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that
    the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

    The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best
    in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank
    check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in
    a blue suit for the viewing.'

    The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds
    her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
    suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very
    satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
    you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
    'Dere's no charge,' he says.

    'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she
    says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a ting. You see,
    a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
    after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
    asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
    instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

    'So, I just switched the heads.' :happy:

  • A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
    After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and
    two locals, Kenny and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at

    "Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenny

    The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

    "Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head, No!!!

    With that, Kenny walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
    yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her

    This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew
    out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

    Kenny swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

    Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenny, I'd heard about that bloody Hind
    Lick Manoeuvre, ...... but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do
    it." :happy:

  • mick:ohhhh :) :) i like smart bad jokes. *clip that*

    (i think squapple forgot the word "shop")

    Sorry folks, Mick, you are correct !

    jzycrzy:then whats a chipshop??

    It is a British shop which sells fish and chips.
  • dek:What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor?
    Make me one with everything.
    best yet
  • i may have met vor's morticians. they're a no-nonsense breed. i learned that hindlick manoeuvre in nursing school. :D it's mostly used on fat people.

    agree with urban.. it's damned fine.

    i'm in no mood for jokes today, as I’ve had the bad news that a friend of mine died - he drowned in a bowl of muesli. apparently, he put the milk in, leaned over with his spoon, and the currants pulled him under.

  • two lions walk down Broadway, says one to the other:

    Awfully quiet here, isn't it?
  • this just in:

    Renault have just launched the McCann, it even has space for a child in the boot...
  • meh, I was gonna post that here you thieving bastid :happy:
  • oh yeah, that was nicko's joke *cough*
  • would it be less funny if you had to explain it? :) ... great minds wish to know (wtf it's about).

    this guy goes to the zoo;there were no elephants there. there were no giraffes. there were no lions. there were no monkeys.

    the only animal in the whole place was a stupid little hairy dog.

    it was a shitzu.
  • mick - "Large amount of Madeleine's hair 'found boot of hire car'"
  • chris:oh yeah, that was nicko's joke *cough*

  • ah.. now didn't i say ... long ago... they did it? (irony)


    staying mordant:

    What’s metal, three feet tall, and stands at the end of your bed taking the piss out of you all night?

    A dialysis machine.
  • what's blue and doesn't fit anymore?

    a dead epileptic.
  • A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any". But I always buy it here," says the blonde. Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant". Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"
  • i wish more people would read the directions. it would make some aspects of my life much more pleasant. ;)
  • A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
    The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
    The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
    The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
  • chris:what's blue and doesn't fit anymore?

    a dead epileptic.

  • What do you when you see an epileptic having a fit in a bathtub?

    Throw your washing in.
  • Did you hear the one about the lepers playing poker?

    One threw his hand in and the other laughed his head off.
  • Q: What's green and melts in your mouth?
    A: A leper's cock

    Q: What's the definition of self-destruction?
    A: An epileptic leper.

    A Leper goes into a bar on one of the hottest days of the year. A lot of people have their shirts off due to the heat so the Leper takes off his shirt too and goes to the bar and orders a pint. As he's take a sip, he looks at a guy on a stool next to him who is glancing in his direction. Suddenly the guy throws up all over the bar. The Leper feels insulted and says,"Excuse me!"
    "Sorry," the guy says,"It's not your fault."
    The Leper gets even more inslulted and says,"Well, if it's not my fault, whose fault is it?"
    The guy on the stool swallows down hard and manages to blurt out,"It's the drunk guy behind you dipping chips in your back."

    Q: What do you call a leper in a bath?
    A: Porridge.
  • Why do some blonde women have sore bellybuttons?
    Because their blond boyfriends are stupid too.

    one of many i've had to listen to repeatedly
  • you all made my wednesday! ;)
  • Renault have just launched their new people carrier. It is so luxurious
    and spacious that you don't even notice when the kids are in the back.

    They have called it.....

    . the New Renault McCann.

    ~backs out of thread :D
  • meska => Ring!! Ring!!!

    chris:this just in:

    Renault have just launched the McCann, it even has space for a child in the boot...
  • Dammit you c*nt :D

    Okay have this then!
  • mick:ok dek. you are as bad as any of us. :D welcome.

    bull... groaner. totally

    Yeah, the second I posted it, I knew what was coming. I'm very ashamed :awkward:
    But let's give it another try, it can only become better (hopefully)

    An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.

    The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

    Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."
    'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

    The bartender and soon the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

    Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

    The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."

    The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
  • but there is more...

    Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

    "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" " Well, It's Not Unusual."

    Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

    An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

    I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

    What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

    A baby seal walks into a club.
  • OH, one more!

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

    "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
    The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
    "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
    "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
    Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
    Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
    Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
    Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
    What's it tell you, Tonto?"

    "You dumber than buffalo pats. Someone stole tent."
  • oh yeah.. you b'long here. the "irish" joke is a grinner.

    and then.. the groaners.. :p

    Man: Doctor,I’ve got this terrible pain in my arse!

    Doctor: Drop your trousers and bend over. Hmm, it looks like you’ve got a lettuce leaf protruding from your sphincter. I’ll pull it out. .........and there’s another. .......aaaand another.

    Man: ARGHGHGHGH! The pain is excruciating! Is there much more?

    Doctor: I’m sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.
  • "Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy."


  • joey's teacher sent a note home to his mother saying, "joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." the mother wrote back the next day, "if you find a solution, please advise. i have the same problem with his father."

    why are men smarter when they are having sex? because, they are plugged into a higher power!

    one evening after work, several single guys were going out to have a drink or two and were trying to convince a married friend that he should come too. "i can't," he said, "my wife would kill me." after 15 minutes of persuasion by his friends, he finally caves in and goes. later, after looking at his watch he realizes that it is midnight and he still has not gone home. he immediately rushes home trying to figure out a way out of the trouble that he's in. upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and sees his wife's legs sticking out of the covers. "i know what to do," he thinks to himself and crawls in between his wife's legs under the covers and performs oral sex until she is completely drained. "that should certianly do it", he thinks and walks into the bathroom to clean up. he turns on the light and there's his wife sitting on the toilet. "what are you doing here?" he impatiently screams.
    "sssshhhhhh!" she says, "you'll wake up mother!!!!"

    this guy was taking a course in human sexuality. the instructor was going through various things in the kinsey report, and the class members gasped audibly when she read out that once a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
    a male voice said, "wow, who was she?"
    a female voice followed with, "the hell with that! Who was *He*?"

    a man enters a bar and orders a drink. the bar has a robot bartender.
    The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,"what's your iq?"
    the man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities
    The customer is very impressed and thinks, "this is really cool." he decides to test the robot. he walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "what's your iq?" the man responds, "about a 100." immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, nascar, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts. really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. he heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "what's your iq?" the man replies, "er, 50, i think." and the robot says ... real slowly... "so... ya gonna vote for bush again?"
  • Funny, we got the same sort of election here soon...